Broken Butterfly…

Broken Butterfly...

By: Lee

Broken Butterfly

My journey to healing started at the age of 32, its been an on-going path to healing that has so far taken me 9 years (I am 41 now) – 9 difficult years, 9 uplifting years, 9 years filled with hope, faith and endless love… 9 years of reminding myself daily that I am worthy.

I am not going to go into too much detail because I don’t want my testimony to come across as voyeuristic or cause too many triggers for any other people that have or are going through any of what I did.

My story started at birth, when I was sold to a human trafficking group for, in later years, to be part of child pornography, torture and abuse.

At the age of 6, I was told that little girls who misbehaved deserved to be punished.  My dad raped and abused me for the first time and then went on to auction my broken and battered body off to the highest bidder(s) as they pleased all for the sake of making and producing pornography.  I was told that what was happening to me was ‘right’.  I learned to do what I was told and never to argue.  And I never told a single soul what was happening to me. This continued on for years.  Throughout my entire childhood up to the age of 32 I did not know the difference between right and wrong.

Later on when I turned 27, I was sold into an arranged marriage.  It was ‘normal’ for me to sit with my husband and watch pornography and page through magazines together in order to see what fantasy he would like to experience.  Unfortunately I never realized that I was unintentionally promoting the use and production of pornography every time we went and bought another dvd or watched online, and that more people that was in the same situation as me growing up would have to go through what I did.

At the age of 32, I managed to break free from the life I was in.  It was not easy, and probably the most frightening thing I ever did up to that point in my life.  I was constantly looking over my shoulder for something bad to happen to me.

Eventually, with the help of a friend, I started counseling with Marie Anne.  I remember our first session like it was yesterday where she asked me if I knew that I am worthy… To be honest, I did not know what that meant.  At the time, I literally couldn’t look at myself in the mirror from all the shame, and here was this beautiful lady telling me I am worthy.  Eventually after a while I started believing in myself and realized that no person can define who you are as a person.  No person has the right to control you, or to use their authority over you to do bad things to you.

People that create and produce pornography have such control over the people they use to make the films that the men and women are either too afraid to speak up about what is happening to them or they, like me, were raised to believe that their actions were the correct way of life.

I was a broken butterfly.. For the better part of my life I was stuck in a cocoon of control, abuse, torture, trauma, lies, shame and deceit – to name but a few – but 9 years ago my cocoon started opening.. when I started to believe that I am worthy. And that being worthy meant that I could ask for help and not have to live in shame or fear for the rest of my life.  Yes, my wings might have a few frayed edges on the sides, but it is what makes me worthy to be loved, to be respected, to have hope and to be worthy above all else to be a daughter of God.  He only sees the good in us, the beauty within and He washes away all of our shame. 

I truly hope my short testimony will give whomever may read this hope, and faith that no matter what you have been through or might be going through that life can be beautiful, it may not be easy but you are strong enough to receive help and to prosper into living the beautiful life that God has always had in mind for you.

A Destructive abyss

When I was 13, I stumbled into pornography browsing google images for my homework. The first time I saw it it shocked me at my deepest core but it also gripped me because of its shock value. This experience soon grew into a secret habit and this impacted me as a young girl very much because it became an indirect educational tool whilst also being a source of entertainment- It was fascinating to have access to this secret ‘real-world’ of adults. I watched and learned how women displayed their worth to men purely through instigating sexual instincts and desires and saw how they were treated in return. Women seemed to accept or have the time of their lives being treated like animals or objects. As a teenager I didn’t realize it could all just be an act.

So during my adolescent years, a crucial time for developing an understanding of what womanhood is, I developed a very distorted sense of self worth. This was not just as a woman but also as a human being in general – which is that I was only worthy of attention and love if I had sexual power. And my warped idea was also applied to the male sex. I viewed boys and men only as beings I could either control with my sexuality or beings who could control me with their sexuality.I had little respect for their general well-being emotionally or mentally. Meanwhile I became an adult with the belief that sex having nothing to do with respect, love or responsibility, It was about following your animal instincts without regard to reason and considering its fullest consequences.

I was only able to start questioning the full effects of porn on me after many years of being addicted to it. The questioning of whether it was a positive influence in my life or not only began after I started to reject moral relativism. I started to look for a deeper meaning into sex and whether there was a right or a wrong. This search eventually led me to question and critique my atheistic beliefs as nothing hedonistic I pursued ever gave me a sense of true satisfaction that could fill the emptiness I felt inside.

I reentered the Catholic faith I left as a teenager through God’s miraculous providence and from my mother’s tireless prayers. I started to learn about who God is and what His true nature is. I developed a relationship with God based on complete trust which in turn helped me to begin healing my internal wounds. Then I came across Pope JPII’s teaching called the Theology of the Body and learned about my dignity as a human being and as a woman which in turn made me view others as well with the same respect and dignity they deserve. I also learned about how porn had had affected my developing brain as a teeanger which helped me tremendously to understand myself better. Through all these lessons and journeys I came to a place where I could finally recognize porn’s true nature – not as a sexually-liberating, harmless and entertaining hobby but as a fake, destructive abyss.

Today I am married to a wonderful man and we are currently expecting our first child to be born. 🙂