When I was 13, I stumbled into pornography browsing google images for my homework. The first time I saw it it shocked me at my deepest core but it also gripped me because of its shock value. This experience soon grew into a secret habit and this impacted me as a young girl very much because it became an indirect educational tool whilst also being a source of entertainment- It was fascinating to have access to this secret ‘real-world’ of adults. I watched and learned how women displayed their worth to men purely through instigating sexual instincts and desires and saw how they were treated in return. Women seemed to accept or have the time of their lives being treated like animals or objects. As a teenager I didn’t realize it could all just be an act.
So during my adolescent years, a crucial time for developing an understanding of what womanhood is, I developed a very distorted sense of self worth. This was not just as a woman but also as a human being in general – which is that I was only worthy of attention and love if I had sexual power. And my warped idea was also applied to the male sex. I viewed boys and men only as beings I could either control with my sexuality or beings who could control me with their sexuality.I had little respect for their general well-being emotionally or mentally. Meanwhile I became an adult with the belief that sex having nothing to do with respect, love or responsibility, It was about following your animal instincts without regard to reason and considering its fullest consequences.
I was only able to start questioning the full effects of porn on me after many years of being addicted to it. The questioning of whether it was a positive influence in my life or not only began after I started to reject moral relativism. I started to look for a deeper meaning into sex and whether there was a right or a wrong. This search eventually led me to question and critique my atheistic beliefs as nothing hedonistic I pursued ever gave me a sense of true satisfaction that could fill the emptiness I felt inside.
I reentered the Catholic faith I left as a teenager through God’s miraculous providence and from my mother’s tireless prayers. I started to learn about who God is and what His true nature is. I developed a relationship with God based on complete trust which in turn helped me to begin healing my internal wounds. Then I came across Pope JPII’s teaching called the Theology of the Body and learned about my dignity as a human being and as a woman which in turn made me view others as well with the same respect and dignity they deserve. I also learned about how porn had had affected my developing brain as a teeanger which helped me tremendously to understand myself better. Through all these lessons and journeys I came to a place where I could finally recognize porn’s true nature – not as a sexually-liberating, harmless and entertaining hobby but as a fake, destructive abyss.
Today I am married to a wonderful man and we are currently expecting our first child to be born. 🙂